A Personal Experience of
A SILENT PRAYER
Please tell me Lord
How is it possible to be so happy ,Yet feel so sad?
How is it possible to want to live, Yet want to die ?
How is it possible to have so many thoughts, so many ideas, to see my whole life in my mind at once, to see every thought, to know so much in one moment.. but not be able to communicate one word?
The answer to these questions I know not Lord, I only know how lonely, how desperately lonely my journey has become
I ask only one thing Lord, that you calm the raging sea of emotions within my mind, that I experience your loving peace within my mind for just one moment
OUTLINE OF THE MANIC DEPRESSION CYCLE
(MY PERSONAL OBSERVED LIST OF SYMPTOMS)
Since childhood I have struggled with symptoms of MD, and recently I have managed to compile a list of these symptoms in the hope that I will discover a way to survive. Sometimes I experience one or two of the symptoms below, sometimes the complete list. By writing the symptoms down, I have come to OWN these symptoms, to see them as part of myself. The symptoms have become less frightening and much easier to understand, and control.
01) Waves of emotions.
02) Alternate bursts of (a) mental energy producing associated physical energy (manic cycle) to (b) a complete loss of mental and physical energy (depression cycle) + EVERY HIGH HAS A LOW +
03) The separation of emotion from self. Emotions work independently of self, they seem to be not my own.
04) Fragmented thoughts, personality.
05) Elation, Depression. Sometimes experienced separately, sometimes feeling both elation and depression at the same moment.
07) Short term, Long term memory lost.
08) Thoughts of suicide.
10) 24 Hour day and night cycle disrupted.
11) Over Eating during manic cycle. followed by starvation during depression cycle.
12) Obsessive compulsive disorder. Checking things, like doors, windows, self, worry that I have lost things, forget things, repeat things over and over. MD causes self doubt and because the mind is so full of activity, there is always the thought that I will forget something, hence the reason to check, and re check.
13) Mind Chatter. Thoughts and feelings chatter in mind independent of self. Words come into mind without reason. It's possible to have conversations with this chatter, thinking that the noise, voice is a separate person.
14) Burst of ideas, can achieve ANYTHING, creative stage. A positive time where my mind is bombarded by GREAT ideas and constructive thoughts. In this stage I can achieve anything, and often in this phase I can achieve things that I could never do in a normal stable mood. Sometimes these achievements leads to great things, I may for instance obtain a great new job, a new relationship, ANYTHING is possible. Achievements however leads to commitments of which I may not be able to maintain on a permanent basis during my down depressed days.
15) Numb Brain. My brain actually feels numb, mostly after a manic cycle. I think the brain just turns off to protect itself from over loading, and to rest. My brain feels like when you go to the dentist and he injects your tooth before treatment, that kind of numbness.
16) Feel like in a dream state. This stage again comes after a manic stage, mostly when I am starting to go down in the depressed state. This is a very strange stage indeed, where my mind never seems to wake fully. Its like the stage when you wake up in the morning and you are neither fully awake or asleep. This stage lasts for weeks sometimes, I feel I can float around and life really has no meaning at all.
18) Hatred towards myself. A very dangerous stage where my body feels like rotten flesh. I can smell my flesh and feel like my body is rotting in front of my eyes. I wash and clean myself, but the problem is inside my mind, not my body at all.
19) Lost in my mind, lost in millions of fragmented thoughts and emotions. My mind does not feel my own. I become lost in thoughts and emotions. I feel like a traveller who becomes lost in an unknown place. I panic trying to find familiar thoughts and feeling in my mind.
20) Hatred toward myself. My body becomes alien to me. I see my body as rotten flesh and want to destroy it. I hate every part of myself and simply want to die.
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